Promises
by jkay1980
Summary: On the eve of their marriage John writes a letter to Sherlock, and Sherlock writes a letter to John ...
1. John's letter

**These are two love letters I've used in my story "A Case of Identity". Since they can also be read stand alone, I also wanted to publish them as a whole – without the interruption of interaction between both. Sherlock and John are writing the letters just prior to their marriage. Let your imagination run free!**

**You can find a Chinese translation on www. mtslash. com (see my profile for the exact link)  
**

**Registration is required to read it there. Thanks to hwenqi for translating it.  
**

* * *

_Dear Sherlock,_

_First of all, I want to apologise beforehand that my writing is terrible as always. My letter probably ended up being too long and too incoherent. I also might have committed the sin of writing sentimental stuff. It is very likely that you will find it tedious and be bored very much halfway through it…_

_Meeting you was fate. Necessity brought us together. Thinking about it, the fact that Mike thought we might make a good couple in the first place is definitely very remarkable. On the surface, there have never been two people more different than we are. When I first met you, you were certainly arrogant and quietly rude. You looked about twelve, were clearly a bit public school, and you behaved in an imperious and pompous way that infuriated me more than once._

_And, yeah, I was definitely convinced that you were probably mad. But you were also strangely likeable and fascinating. In the early days of our acquaintance I thought you were a strange child who didn't understand social conventions and didn't care about being polite. Your bluntness often caught me off guard, but you didn't mean to be offensive. You just said what you thought. Naturally, I was mesmerized by your keen mind. Your ability to see right through everyone and everything in seconds intrigued me immensely. My interest in you increased and deepened, and before long, I wanted to get to know you better and unravel the enigma that is you._

_Although fate already put things on the right track, becoming your friend was my choice. However, it wasn't really a very difficult decision, and was taken quickly. Come to think of it, we actually became inseparable within twenty-four hours and have been ever since. You text and I come running. We didn't always embrace this chemistry between us. Before we knew each other, we were two independent men. After the day we met, we had to learn that we suddenly needed each other in many ways. That wasn't always easy and not necessarily what we wanted. Miraculously, in time, we got the hang of it. Aside from my obvious admiration for your skills and your brilliance, I started to find your personality dazzling. In our early days you found it easy not to care, or so I thought. I had to learn that appearances can be deceiving, though. One day you were compelled by certain events to realize, that you did, despite yourself, care and feel. It was a hard thing for you to accept, but you came to terms with it in the end. You occasionally opened up and gave me insights to what lies behind your cold mask: the best man._

_Falling in love with you, however, was beyond my control. Time has brought my heart to you. In the past, people made you believe that you were better off alone, safer. You divorced yourself from feelings. Back then, painful things happened to us. We drifted apart. It took time to figure out that there would be forgiveness between us in the future. We understood that we had to let our history go if we wanted to move forward. It seems that sometimes two people who are meant for each other are the last two to realise it. We never wanted to say it's love, but sometimes what you get is so much better than what you wanted in the first place. We became more than friends at last. In the end it only made us stronger. We didn't break and we didn't burn. You were the one who broke my heart, and you were the one who fixed it again._

_I know it's hard to let me love you and it takes a lot of courage, but let me say this, there is nothing you could say or do that would drive me away from you. If anything, I know exactly what I am committing myself to. I love everything about you - your mischievous smile, the low baritone sound of your voice, your piercing eyes, so hypnotic and mesmerizing, beautiful to gaze into, and yet never revealing everything to me. I love your gentle touch and the warmth I feel at your side. I love the way you enter a room, walking tall in your perfectly tailored suits, radiating self-confidence, absorbing everyone and everything and automatically attracting people's attention. I also love you when you look about twelve; I love you when you're clearly a bit public school; I love your arrogant and pompous behaviour; I love your rude bluntness; I love the times when boredom drives you mad and makes you edgy … I love all of your bad manners. I love your bad qualities because I also love your "Better Self" – your vulnerability, your insecurities, your best civility. If I don't love you at your worst then I don't deserve you at your best. That is as simple as it gets. You can depend on my love and friendship forever._

_You've, more or less, asked for my hand in marriage and I, sort of, said yes. When you marry, you are telling your partner: this is who I am. I am now your mate for life. I will not give up on us. No matter what. This road will not be an easy one to travel, but I'm prepared to do anything to make this work._

_I will feed my brain, to nurture my own continued development as a person. I apologize in advance for my seeing but probably never observing well enough for your taste._

_I will not stop following my own way and showing up for my own life. I told you if I did so, I'd lose my independence and you'd start to find me boring and dull. But I will never love my job more than I love you. I will keep supporting you the way I always did. In this autonomy, I am not distancing myself from you or our life. You are the most important person in my life. Nothing will ever change that._

_Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if we had never met. It would have been certainly simpler... maybe easier... but it also would be incomplete – and rather boring._

_So if you don't mind, I am planning on having you around for the next one hundred years or so… [and yes, Sherlock, I know this is technically impossible for you to stay with me for the next hundred years, but I will see to it that you die an utterly boring, and awfully mundane, natural death. Preferably after a very long, healthy life when you are very, very old]._

_Lots of love,_

_John_


	2. Sherlock's letter

_John,_

_I know I'm not the easiest person to live with. I am also very well aware of my shortcomings in connection with our romantic involvement. However, the fact that you are still with me, after all I put you through, must mean something._

_I know that I have been a lousy flat mate, a difficult friend, and, I will most certainly be an awful husband. I am truly sorry for all the times I upset you. When it comes to emotions, I tend to mess things up. _

_Give me work; give me problems; give me riddles and puzzles to solve: these are my __metier__. No one is my master there and very few are my equals. Relationships on the other hand are a minefield. There are expectations to be met – implicit, various expectations. I'm oblivious to them. I'm skating on thin ice in the area of relationships._

_I abandoned the concept of having a relationship entirely after my last one came to nothing. I didn't think about it again until I met you. I told myself, I would never love again, but as much as I didn't want to, you came along and made me. You walked into my life and showed me another way. Since that day, you have touched my life in many ways. I enjoy doing things with you and spending time with you. The influence you have on me amazes me daily. You are my best friend, and I value very highly the bond we share._

_The day I had to leave you behind I tried to harden my heart against the feelings which I had developed towards you. Back then, it was necessary. Believe me, when I say I've never adopted a more difficult course. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It certainly did. I missed the little things; I missed everything about you. I found that work remained the best antidote to sorrow. I am distinctly aware though that your sufferings were many times greater than mine, for I knew the truth and you didn't. Please, understand that the business with Jim was nothing but an ordeal, a trial of patience. I know that I was playing with fire. But this struggle has defined me and made me realize my place in the world. Mysteriously, through all those rough times, you remained faithful and loyal, and you forgave me in the end. I need you to know that I am grateful for that._

_While writing this letter, I'm reminding myself of some of the reasons why I fell for you. You made me a better man, even when I did not want to be a good one. You are so kind – you enjoy being nice to people and caring for others. You always care about doing the right thing. You're interested in our health and well-being – well, someone has to be and I must confess that the task is safer in your hands._

_You're generous, down to earth, sincere, responsible, practical, encouraging and conscientious. You're never a simpleton. You take our relationship seriously and you can enjoy the simple things in life. You're willing to talk with me about anything for hours, even if the subject is not as important to you as it is to me. I admire your imperturbable support. I like watching you talk to a friend on the phone, and seeing you laugh and smile. I'm relieved to know that you're happy and content. Bizarrely, you love being with me. You are you._

_It's a great thing for me to have someone to talk to. I like that we can laugh together, being childish. Even in our moods, regardless of the irritations of daily life, we manage to make each other laugh. Our teasing, that may seem odd to others, makes us giggle endlessly. Then again, you have a grand gift of silence. We know each other intimately, and the silence between us is comfortable. There's no need for endless conversations. I am relaxed and content when we sit on the sofa whether we talk or say nothing at all. Strangely enough, my mind is never affected adversely by our closeness. You stimulate me. The, at times, irritating slowness in your thinking process only makes my own impressions and intuitions flash up more vividly and swiftly. [Don't give me the look, John, you know what I mean]. You light me up._

_Now I know that I never knew anything about love before you._

_To some degree you even are my moral model, my social conscience. I can always rely on you to try to help me to avoid making a social blunder. You have achieved a very delicate balance between the vocal expression of your admiration, exclaiming "Fantastic" or "Extraordinary", and your disapproval of my behaviour, saying, "Sherlock, you're showing off again." I know that I do not always meet your high social standards. Mostly not. I thank you nevertheless, for putting up with me and giving me your guidance in the social field. It's comforting, to look across the room at you to find you looking at me, silently reassuring__. __In spite of my many faults, you've miraculously accepted my proposal. You must know that I want to make my marriage vow based on the love that you've shown me._

_I'd like to offer my sincere apologies to you. I apologise for the mess inside our flat. I am terribly untidy and my personal belongings tend to pop up in unlikely places. I know that even though you share my love for chemistry, you stop short of agreeing that any experiment should occur on our kitchen table or that the results or remains of the experiments should show up in any other undesirable place. I promise that I will at least try not to forget to label them at all times and to store them in the fridge that is intended for their storage. However, I will most likely forget about it all the same. So, I am sorry that most of the time you won't be able to have a decent dinner at our table and that our groceries will have to share the fridge with chemicals and even worse things. I apologise for my moody times when I don't speak for days or when, in one of my strange moods, I decorate our walls in a way that you disapprove of. You think that neither the atmosphere nor the appearance of our living room is improved by it, and you're probably right, although I have to say in my defence that this activity of mine eases my tension profoundly. I apologise for my exasperating solos on the violin, especially those at ungodly hours, and I promise at least to terminate them by playing your favourite airs as a slight compensation for the trial upon your patience. Fortunately, among my many faults, my papers are your central issue. I promise to reorganise them at least twice a year if it makes you happy. You are indeed one of the most long-suffering persons I know, and I apologise for trying your patience so often._

_I promise to respect and support your decision to start your own medical practice and develop your skills as a doctor. I know that will sometimes mean sacrifice. That sometimes you will come home late. That sometimes you will be tired. That sometimes you won't have time for me. I know that I will not always be the centre of your attention. I understand that loving me is not your only task in the world._

_I promise never to put my job before you. I will set limits. I will come home. I will regularly preserve enough energy to be with you, make love to you, talk with you and listen to you. I will never be too busy to remind you, at least at regular intervals, that you are respected and cherished._

_I promise to try to embrace both our families. I may not like all our relatives, but they are family, and therefore deserve my respect. I hope we can continue to make jokes about them to blow off steam. But, to their face and in their company, I will try to be courtesy itself._

_I promise to treat you with dignity and respect. There is no excuse for me to speak to you with chronic impatience in my voice. Even less excuse to speak to you with disdain or scorn, venting to you. I promise you my best manners. There will be presumably many times, when I'm bored or irritated, and when I will be in a nasty mood. When I'm like that, I'll most certainly overlook any or all of the above mentioned promises. I will forget myself. I will leave both of us wondering where my "Better Self" is. If it means anything to you, I promise that, when I come to my senses, I will have the common decency to be greatly embarrassed by my obnoxious behaviour, and to ask your forgiveness. There's only one thing left to say. I feel honoured that you deem it worthy to place your trust and love in me. I will do my utmost to make it worthwhile._

_ Sherlock_


End file.
